


Jump his bones already

by nerdyostrich



Category: Supernatural, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, M/M, i don't even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 16:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyostrich/pseuds/nerdyostrich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is tired of all this motherfucking sexual tension in his motherfucking tower.</p>
<p>Crack!fic all the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jump his bones already

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emma-Leigh](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Emma-Leigh).



> This is a fluffy/cracky birthday fic for the lovely Emma (aka Tony) whom I love with all my heart.  
> Happy Birthday!

Tony had finally had enough. He had had it up to _here_ with their longing glances and not-so-subtle conversations of deep, undying love. Okay, maybe not undying love. Maybe they had just been talking about how Castiel could have the last of Dean’s fries because ’he needed them more than him’. But still. Tony had had enough. If those two goons didn’t jump each other’s bones soon, Tony would suffocate on all the sexual tension. That wasn’t saying a little, either, as he was the master of sexual tension and sex. Yes, he had had it and now he was going to help those silly sons of bitches to get laid before he went insane. _Oh boy._

He thought it would be easier to work on Castiel—who was standing on the balcony, looking into the living room where— _wait for it_ —Dean was talking to Sam and Banner—because Dean was in his little world of homosexual denial, but he might have been wrong about it being easier. The angel, or whatever he was again, had no social skills or sex appeal. None whatsoever. He had the basic looks, but he couldn’t rock ’em. Especially not in those clothes—what was he, an angel or a teacher? This would be a challenge. Walking up to the completely distracted angel, who was probably counting the creases in Dean’s shirt or something equally ridiculous, Tony prepared his little speech. _You. Dean. Sex. Now._ Yes, that was good.

 

”Hey, feathers!” Tony called out, snapping his fingers in front of Cas to get his attention.

”Yes, Tony?” Cas replied after blinking in surprise a few times. Damn lovestruck cupid.

”So, we have a problem, you and I.” Tony began seriously, looking Cas in the eye.

”We do? Have I done something wrong?” Cas said in confusion, his brows furrowing. The poor guy didn’t know anything, did he?

”Yeah, you’re not jumping Dean’s bones right now.” Tony casually said, still looking at Cas.

”I… I do not understand. Why would I use Dean as a vessel?” Cas was getting even more confused now, and quite suspicious judging by the look in his eyes. This was more difficult than he had thought.

”No, no, no, that was _not_ what I meant. I mean, unless you’re into that, which would be unexpected to say the least.” He chuckled and paused, but continued when he saw the signature Castiel head-tilt of confusion, ”What I meant was the whole situation between you and Dean. The longing glances, conversations that turn into ’oh I’m so horrible’ ’no you’re not, I still like you and your pretty eyes and I am totally not gay by the way’. The sexual tension is _killing me_. Just have sex already. Please.”

”Tony, you are not making sense.” The angel said carefully, like weighing every word before saying it. It was obvious that he was lying.

”You’re a horrible liar. Anyway, I’m here to help you get the d. Whether the D stands for Dean or dick is entirely up to you. If you’re lucky, it’ll stand for both. First of all, you need to change your clothes.” Tony told him and Cas looked away. Ah, Tony had been right.

”Dean likes the coat.” Cas mumbled, pulling at the sleeves of his coat.

”Yeah, yeah, sure. You can keep it, but don’t wear it all the time. Wear it outside. Or in bed, if he _really_ likes it. Now, listen to uncle Tony here and you’ll have Dean and I won’t go insane.”

”It is impossible for you to be my unc—”

”Shut up and listen to me.”

 

After a lot of talking and explaining to Castiel how to explain to someone that you like them a lot and would like to ’initiate carnal relations with them’, the grand day came where Cas would use his newfound knowledge of ’human mating rituals’ to woo Dean. God, Cas’s terms for ’wanting to fuck’ and ’flirting’ were just ridiculous. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be ridiculous now that everything was at stake. And by everything, Tony meant his own sanity.

Tony and Dean were just sitting around the giant dining table, discussing everything from fighting tactics to different flavors of pie, a topic that Dean might have enjoyed a bit too much, when he got the text from Castiel,

 

**I AM READY TO START OUR PLAN BUT I STILL BELIEVE THAT THIS OUTFIT IS NOT NECESSARY**

 

Tony rolled his eyes, the angel had gotten caps lock-stuck again.

 

**cas, relax. things will go well and you better wear that outfit or i’ll make you wear the other one. time to make your entrance, feather boy**

 

Only seconds after the message had been sent, Castiel opened the door and walked in and Tony could practically see Dean’s jaw drop. This would be so much fun. Tony had picked out Cas’s outfit carefully, after learning what kind of things Dean liked. Boy, that had been some awkward conversations to find that out. But here Castiel was, wearing one of Dean’s old Metallica shirts—Dean liked it when girls wore his clothes and TOny could only assume this went for guys as well—, a pair of loose jeans that he borrowed from Tony and his pre-existing sex hair amped up to atomic levels. If Tony could say so himself, he had done a pretty damn good job at making the angel look fuckable.

 

”Cas, um, hi.” Dean stammered, adjusting his sitting position. Tony had done a good job, alright.

”Hello, Dean. Castiel deadpanned and blinked one eye at Dean. He looked completely ridiculous, almost like a muscle had twitched near his eye.

”That’s… that’s my shirt.” Dean pointed out, his facial expression quite easily readable. _Oh god let the others leave so I can take this angel on the table right now._

”Yes.” Cas walked over to the table and sat down in the chair next to Dean, ”Do you not think it is hot in here?” He was supposed to tug on the collar of his shirt, but it ended up looking like he had an itch on his collarbone. _Well_ , Tony thought, _you can’t get everything._

”Since when do you feel heat, Cas? You alright?” Dean, completely used to Cas being serious, said, now going from ’horny’ to ’worried’. Shit, this needed to be fixed. Castiel looked desperately at Tony, his eyes asking for help. Tony, as the oh-so-kind person he is, mouthed words at Castiel.

”I feel hot ever since you walked in.” It could have been a good line, it really could, but in Cas’s deadpan voice, it just sounded ridiculous.

”Cas, you okay?” Dean looked very confused, blinking a few times at the very not-Castiel thing Cas had just said. This was not going according to plan, mission abort, mission abort, **MISSION ABORT.**

 

Tony stood up then and walked over so that he was standing between Dean and Castiel, a hand on each of their chairs. Taking a deep breath, he began,

 

”Guys, I know what’s going on here. You both want to be with each other, spiritually and physically. The sexual tension in the room can be cut with a knife, for crying out loud! So you two better get together before this makes me go insane, because I have _had_ it with you and your longing looks and obvious attraction. Just have sex or something, okay? Dean, you have a boner. Why don’t you let angel boy here help you with that?”

 

Dean stared at him, mouth slightly open, before letting his gaze slide to Cas. Cas looked back at Dean and _oh god they were having eye sex again please make it stop_

 

”You’re doing it again! Stop it with the eye sex and have some _actual_ sex. Pie man, feathers, I’ll leave you to it.” Tony patted their shoulders before placing Cas’s hand on Dean’s thigh. Both of their eyes widened and Tony knew that his work here was done. He walked out of the room with the words, ”I will kill you both if you mess up my couch!” but they couldn’t hear him.

 

Tony was standing on the balcony, looking out over the city, when _he_ appeared behind him, sliding an arm around Tony’s waist. Luckily enough, no one was around, so Tony turned around to face the green eyes he loved.

 

”Hello, Tony. You look unusually pleased.” Loki murmured, pulling Tony closer.

”I just got Dean and Castiel to have sex, so yeah, I’m pretty damn pleased.” Tony smiled and stroked the god’s back.

”Ah, so you won’t be going insane, then?”

”Looks like my sanity’s safe for a while longer.”

”Not when I’m done with you.” Loki smirked and crashed their lips together, one hand clutching Tony’s hair tightly.

 

It looked like Dean and Castiel wouldn’t be the only ones engaging in ’carnal relations’ that night.


End file.
